Torn

(warning, sappy post ahead...)

It's gotten to that point of our situation, to make sure we keep afloat, Nick asked me the dreaded question...

"Can you start looking for a job too?"

My reaction shocked me. I felt utterly depressed and for a moment, felt repulsed by the idea even though I knew my contribution is probably a necessity at this point. My thoughts went to my sleeping son in the other room, and my heart literally ached when I thought about having to leave him.

This is my career now. Granted, I do still work, part time, but it's from home and I only do it when he's napping. It's the best of both worlds. I still get a piece of corporate involvement, but I'm still literally only a few feet away if the baby needs me.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I really don't want to give that up. I don't want to miss the moments of when he discovers something new so I can cheer him on, when something amuses him so I can laugh with him, when something hurts him and makes him cry, so I can tell him he'll be OK.

A year or so ago, if someone had told me that this is what a child can do to you, I probably would've just brushed it off. At that point, nothing could compare to the exhilaration of tackling technical challenges, collaborating with worldwide team members, the late night IM sessions to resolve issues, but now...

*sigh*.

I want to get back in the corporate world. Just not right now. Childhood only happens once for each person...